Beaver_Fever@live.com: May 13 06:38PM -0700
It's been several weeks since I posted.
The pain and tension that haunted me for a month has faded away and now things are just moving along at a steady routine. The days are often blurring together. Still not bored.
Sunday I only became accidentally aware it was Mother's Day. Was always close to mom but things got really weird the past few years. She had gained custody of a toddler who she keeps occupied by handing her the phone to play games. So texts get deleted unseen and calls go unanswered. If I can ever get her on the phone, within a minute "Grandma, grandma" "Gotta go."
I actually had a packed day ahead of me and decided to just assume she was unavailable to talk and she wouldn't see any texts. That has been the extent of our relationship recently. Almost. Until the day the world ended I had a successful experience based pricing arbitrage business and often used her credit card and would pay her immediately. Sometimes I would think she wouldn't even know I was alive if not getting paypal'd all day. But if I would need her assistance it would turn into a major inconvenience even though I slammed her card with so many points she will never have to pay out of pocket for a hotel room or anything off Amazon for a long time. Well, now the refunds have come back to her account to the tune of $6000 and counting. But I am not going to cause her any further inconvenience by trying to get it back. Means a lot less to me than the few bucks I could sometimes squeeze out of her all those decades ago would mean to her, back when we were really poor. But also super tight knit.
My big activity Sunday was walking 5 miles each way to meet a friend for $40 he has for me among other minor things. Really burned me out physically but nice to see the rest of the city though sad to walk by some local institutions to see signs stating they are now permanently closed, and thanks for 59 years of business. The meeting spot was conveniently by a Little Caesar's so me and my friend split a pizza right on the sidewalk, chatted a bit, then I walked back home. Walking a main thoroghfare I notice a woman has been walking across the street, slightly in front of me for over a mile. She is now occasionally glancing back at me. As an avid lifelong pedestrian, I know that look. She thinks I am following her and with my mask I look like a kidnapper though with my back I couldn't run off with an infant.
So I detour down a side street and pass only a few houses when right in someone's front yard is a junk pile and a "free" sign. Even fear of catching the plague won't stop me from taking a peek. Right in the middle is a spindle of blank DVD's and a pile of cassettes, some wrapped and some obviously recorded on. Since looting tape collections is my absolute favorite thing in the world, as a matter of fact one of the things still keeping me so busy even now, I happily risk everything and grab them all. They are unlabeled and I haven't checked them out yet but definitely will.
Almost three weeks ago I finally had the opportunity to resolve the last major pending issue related to the text exchanges I can do no more than allude to. The main inspiration for even documenting the total despair of my situation, It involved responding to an invitation to a "safe situation," a $200 Lyft ride to a distant locale and then a Greyhound ride back a few days later as there was no urgency to play it safe any more.
But if I die in the near future it will be a certain level of contentment that has thus far eluded me. Still no excuse or justification for what I did, even if the circumstances as they were prior to that Friday were not only unbearable but also possibly not survivable. Yep, it was getting that intense. But I know I may have endangered others. I did clear it with my roommate before I set off on my adventure. He values his alone time too so it was definitely worth the risk to him that I might bring something back in and kill him.
If any of my once preferred groups still existed in anything resembling their former glory I just might tell the whole story. Some true storybook shit in there. Or maybe not. But I could find some posts going back to 2003 and 2004 talking about this. But I am Working really hard to keep the situation from flaring up and exploding again though I think I am totally over it.
On the way home I got to see a bit more of the city for the first time in over a month. Downtown LA has now reverted to its former self. The only people on the street now are the people with nowhere else to go. Yet walking for a mile not a single person asked me for money. Echo Park was jammed packed with both tents and people enjoying the park in a very unsafe manner. But who am I to judge them now after what I did?
Looks like I am back on Facebook for good, would suspend for months or years at a time but seeing how others react to the end of the world is something to behold. As always I only post one hundred percent positivity letting people know that no matter what I am living the absolute best life anyone can live. Just had to change my outdated profile pic so I can project the same attitude to a local dating group I definitely don't belong in and even though I prefer no attention to myself, concentrating on what I am doing instead of who I am, it ended up getting the most likes of any post I have made. And what the hell, the recent haircut already struck lightning once so maybe it can again.
Just way too much food here since I can't just run to the store and grab things as I need them. And it's so hard to use efficiently do when just cooking for one.
Homeless friend and his dog have a roof over their heads. Once again broke all social distancing protocol to go over and hook up his DVD player. And hand over all the DVD's in the pile meant for Goodwill.
The OCD train keeps rolling down the tracks, full speed ahead, but the things I do mean less and less. I just don't know what else to do. Otherwise just listen to music, try to read but not too successfully, work on projects, exercise, maybe watch a movie at night and try not to think too much about things. Sometimes I have work to do though I may never get paid again.
So that's it, everything chill and moving along just fine. Happy, healthy, plenty to do. All problems resolved. Except figuring out what I am going to do with myself for the rest of my life.
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